Pick Up Lines

Question: “So, do pick up lines work? If so, which ones? If not, why?

My first question for you, Mr. Pick up Line Man, whoever you are, is…why? I don’t know who started this whole pick up line thing and consequently, was then convinced that it worked… but Okay. I’ll answer the question…

First of all, women generally like sincerity, honesty, and a genuine  character (usually). In fact, I think most people do. Now, this doesn’t go to say that your pick up line tendencies automatically rid you of those three qualities, but when it comes to randomly “picking up” a woman, first impressions count…. and usually, you’re judged by (1) your actions and/or (2) your communication.

I can’t say that I’ve had pick up lines used on me frequently, but from the few I have experienced, it has never really amounted to anything… at all. However, let me specify something. I HAVE had pick up lines used jokingly on me by someone I either liked or was currently dating. That is a different matter. Using pick up lines with someone you get along with and/or have a mutual interest in is funny… if you’re a funny person, of course. *Shrug* Who knows – It might even be slightly funny if you’re not a funny person. One thing to know is that it really doesn’t matter either way if there is a mutual liking there (or a hope of one).

So, basically,  feel free to use any pick up line you want only if at least one of the following conditions exist: (1) You like the girl and the girl likes you back, (2) you’re funny and can pull off anything, (3) both of the above (ideal). Unfortunately, if you don’t pull off the funny part too well, you’ll just seem cheesy and possibly shallow…or worse.

This advice, of course, doesn’t apply to women with IQs below 70, of course.

Details Details Details

 What makes a woman insane? Details. … and interpretations of details.

Again, I always feel the need to make this disclaimer: Although I may speak in generalities on this particular blog, I am speaking mostly from my own point of view and observation of myself and other women.

With that said, I shall continue…

So. Details. Yeah, they mean something…and sometimes they mean something bad (in our minds, that is).  And should they repeatedly mean something bad, the more they seem to stand out.

Example: You turn down sex to play a video game (true story) = bad sign.

“Bad sign” can mean ALL sorts of things, depending on the situation….but if you do that one too many times… you’re obviously not interested anymore (or so we think). Or, if we think about it TOO much (bad idea…but it’s likely to happen)… it can mean all sorts of stupid things…like “I’m too fat”. Yeah, don’t even TRY to understand that one. You might have more luck figuring out how apples are similar to concrete.

I have found myself from time to time looking so closely at the details of a guy’s behavior and consequently, trying to  interpret them. Waste of time, really. All it does is cave myself in on myself (yay!), if it hasn’t already done that to the relationship.

Now, I feel the need to point this out:  So far, I’ve been mostly correct in some form or fashion on my “interpretations”. Women are pretty smart… well, some of them. But generally, they are. In the past, when I have perceived that something was wrong in a relationship, I was right. Even while keeping my cool, I perceived that my “significant other” at the time was wanting to back out of this “arrangement” with me… and as upset as I was at the thought of that (I really, really liked this one in particular), I kept my cool as best as I could and asked him. After a bit of prodding, my perception proved to be true. That’s one example…and yes, I do have more.

The thing is, some women – or people, rather – are more perceptive than others. I support whole-heartedly the idea that people are, to some degree, in communication with each other outside of the “normal” means of communication…like talking, writing, sign-language, etc. I’ve been lucky enough to know someone who, like me, can “pick up” on emotions and even the thoughts of others.

I’m going to stop here and point out the fact that I’m talking about something entirely different than jealousy. I certainly will not attempt to claim I’m not human and say that I’ve never been jealous (Ever heard that one? Yeah… I have. B.S. That’s all I have to say on that) …but I’m not talking about jealousy, so we’ll leave it at that for now.

So, my point is, we do see details…and they can mean something. If they mean something bad, alarms may sound (at least on the inside). Are they legit? Do they REALLY matter? Does this blog actually make any sense?

Of course not! This concentration on details and the linking of these details to other details in the past is completely insane. I mean…..not institutionally insane…but if you were to turn up the volume on it a bit more, it could happen.

For you guys out there, my only advice is to just merely be aware of this. Be aware of the fact that she’s aware of the details. Don’t get all paranoid about it – that’ll just generate some more “details”. Just be aware. Keep your cool. And communicate. Please. If you notice that she’s acting weird or upset and it’s in someway or another directed at you….but she’s not saying anything about it… communicate. Please. Ask. Even if you don’t know how to go about it “diplomatically”, just bluntly ask: “Why are you upset?”. Even if it comes out angry, fine. It’s better than no communication – that shit kills relationships, especially when the details start lookin’ really shitty.

Have fun!

Question: Why is it easier to talk to a girl I want to have sex with than a girl I have a crush on?

As far as women go, on a more general basis, we have more of a problem with the latter part of this question. In other words, I’d be more likely to ask myself, “Why is it hard for me to talk to a guy have a crush on?”, minus the “it’s easier to talk to a guy I want to fuck” part. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. It’s awesome….

On a side note, the word “fuck” pisses me off unless I’m with a guy I really, really like and I’m sexually in the mood for a rougher ride that night. …moving on…

In general, we’re not so much concerned with sex – more so with the “relationship” stuff, whatever that is. But again, sex is good. …. You know what I mean.

So, let’s see…where does this problem really start? How about middle school? Elementary? How about whenever you started liking the opposite sex? Now, I’d hope that at the age of 8 you weren’t seriously considering sex, but given the current state of society, I almost wouldn’t be surprised. But politics aside… this problem, if you think about it, is nothing new.

I mean, think about it. When was the first time you had a real crush on someone? I’m talking about the kind of crush that made you practice kissing with your pillow. You know, the type of crush that makes you play some sort of fantasized moment over and over in your head.

Well, for me… it’s all a blur (seriously). But, I do know the feeling like the back of my  hand. Personally, when it comes to really, really liking someone, here’s a sample of what might run through my head:

Aaaannnddd, here it goes:

“What if I fall for him…and he THINKS he likes me..but doesn’t really…. and 3 months down the line of what was probably pure torture to him, he realizes that I’m FAR from what he wants and tells me to go away?   Or what if I realize 3 months down the line that I made a mistake? Then I have to break up with him…and watch him slam his fist through my door….or cry. *shudder* Oh… OH. And here’s a good one. What if I gain a little weight and he finds some hot chick with big boobs and a tiny waist…who seduces him with her perfect butt…. and then he hides it from me and it all falls to shit from there?  Where does that leave me? Fat and sad.”

Yeah. I mean, for the most part, I keep those thoughts at bay, but should they wash up on shore, all hell breaks loose.

First thing that happens (usually), is that I suddenly cannot talk. Literally. I mean, I will actually start to stumble over words and talk like I just finished my second year of pre-school. And, because I know this, I generally keep my mouth shut from that point on. And I swear to god, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve had moments where the conversation was going great and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, I can’t talk. It’s almost like I suddenly crapped my pants or something. It’s weird.

Then, I start to cave in on myself. All self-confidence goes out the window and I’m instantly a pimply, double-chinned monster desperately looking for love. That’s the fun part.

Pretty soon after that, I either snap out of it or I promptly give up. When it comes to guys, girls don’t generally put up some sort of long, drawn-out fight to “win” the guy over. That’s just not the way it works… although it’s apparently becoming more common for women to ask men to marry them now (or so I’ve heard).

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is… YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Like the song… *sways*

No, but really. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, old or young, this shit happens. Really, it’s part of the excitement of it all. It’s what makes relationships – or the fight for them – interesting, I guess. If you have any interest in roller-coasters or haunted houses…or any “need for speed”-type stuff, you know what I mean. If you don’t, I highly suggest you get past all that and jump out of a plane or something…. as that’s just about the only thing I can relate this to (aside from my own experiences).

If anything, my only suggestion would be to push through whatever it is. I mean, if it takes continuing to sit there close-mouthed, caved-in and all… then do it. I’ve done it. Like I said, it usually passes. And if your crush doesn’t show any interest right then and there… for Jebus’s sake, don’t instantly implode (I should seriously take my own advice, by the way).

Oh…and why is it easier to talk to a girl you’d like to fuck? Well, the only thing that could “hurt” would be if she (1) bites, (2) sits on your junk the wrong way, or (3) is into S&M. Personally, I can hardly kiss a guy I don’t have feelings for. And if I do, it’s like I’m kissing a mannequin.

As we all know, the other “hurt” seems to suck more. But what’s life without some sort of a game, right? As stupid as it sometimes… *sigh*

Question: “How big is too big? Or how small is too small? In other words…does size matter?”

I’ll be completely honest in that I would hope that, by now, this question had been answered for most men. However, I suspect that there is much more to this question than just a question of size. Because I don’t have a…you know… of my own, I’m certainly not going to attempt to explain  and/or understand the psychological reasons for the frequent occurrence of this seemingly important question. I let a guy answer that one.

So….does size matter?


Is there an “ideal” width and/or length? Not really.

Like  your junk, women parts vary widely in shape, depth, width, etc. Therefore, what “fits” will be different for each. More likely than not, this can cover a whole range of sizes – short, long, wide…curved upward, downward, left, right…etc. It’s really just a matter of puzzle pieces… yet much, much more.

Women, in general, are more attracted (even sexually) to personality, for lack of a better word. By “personality” I mean… you. Not your wiener. YOU. Your wang is – sorry to say – secondary to YOU. Let me give you an example – a girl’s idea of how attractive you are is almost directly affected by whether or not you’re an asshole …

Before I continue… let me make one thing clear: We’re all human beings – male or female – therefore none of what I say, unfortunately, will not fall across the boards. If it were that simple, we’d probably be bored. Some women may think the same as I do, while others may completely disagree. Some of it has to do with how we were raised. A lot of it has to do with how sane (or insane) we are.

So, like I was saying: A girl’s idea of how attractive you are is almost directly affected by whether or not you’re an asshole. It’s also affected by other things, most of which have to do with how you interact with her or others, and how you talk. If you treat her or your friends like shit, USUALLY (if she’s sane) you’ll instantly become the most unattractive man she’s ever met. It’s almost hard to look past your asshole-ness.

On the other hand, if you’re not an asshole and she likes your personality, you can almost be anything – fat, short, tall, hairy, lanky… and  still be the most attractive man in the world in her eyes.

Therefore, if she really likes you… the fact that you have a ________ member doesn’t really matter. She’ll make it work – trust me.

If she doesn’t, she isn’t worth it….unless you don’t give a shit about all that “personality” BS.

My point: Don’t worry about THAT so much. Please. It really isn’t worth the energy. We don’t care. If it doesn’t fit comfortably, but we REALLY, REALLY like you, we’ll make it work.

Why the Duck Face?

Question: “Why do chicks make the ridiculous duck face when posing for pictures?”

Out of curiosity, I had to see if I myself was guilty of performing the Dreadful Duck Face. I was skeptical…because there is no way in hell that I would default my Picture Face to something like that.

…or would I? …

So of course, I did find one picture of myself doing something close to the duck face (of which I am entirely ashamed), but that’s only ONE picture of HUNDREDS (which makes me feel a little better about myself). I don’t even know why I did it . If I remember correctly, it almost was an automatic thing….like my lips formed into this…beak-like form on their own…mostly because I was tired and didn’t feel like smiling. Here it is (I’m sorry…no, really… I am):

Myself aside, why a ton of women do this in general… I really don’t know. For about a day or two, I thought about it thoroughly. I even fooled myself into this mindset that I “liked” making this …duck face…thing. I’d force myself to Duck Face … and see if I felt anything while doing it (all scientific research, of course).

My first conclusion was that girls did it to make their face look thin…or thinner, which it actually does accomplish (sort of). It also looks stupid…but obviously, girls aren’t doing it to look stupid….

…or are they?  (hmm…)  I don’t know – personally, I make faces like this one if I really want to look idiotic (that, or find an acting agent):

Usually seems to do the trick (on looking like an idiot, that is – didn’t get me any acting work unfortunately).

Moving on…

So, I decided to a bit of research in the field. I went to a few of my female friends to inquire about it… if they did it, why they did it…which hopefully, would lead me to some sort of logical explanation for its occurrence. Interestingly enough, the response I got from each of them was an immediate expression of pure disgust and the statement, “UGH. I hate it when girls do that!”. I’d then proceed to make the  Duck Face at them to ensure they knew exactly what I was talking about, to which I would then get the same response, but now slightly directed at me.


Anyways, my second conclusion was that girls did it to make their lips look bigger…or more pout-like, I guess. Now, it is true that putting on your Duck Face will create that effect, unless you have thin lips…in which case your lips look more like a beak than you might realize. Either way, thin lips or not, it still looks stupid. But whatever.

OK. Honestly, I have no idea why girls do this – I don’t even know why I do it..or did it…once.  I suspect that it has something to do with making your face look thinner…maybe making your cheekbones look bigger…or your lips sexier….even if you’re the only one that thinks so.

My overall conclusion: Our lips have a mind of their own, therefore we are not responsible for the shapes they take.

Question: “Although I’ve never experienced this, why do you think women use headaches as an excuse to not have sex?”

Personally, I had considered the old “headache” excuse a myth for quite some time. Maybe I wasn’t having much sex at that particular point in my life… or maybe I never felt the need to turn it away due to a headache. Or maybe I just never had been so unfortunate to be bothered by one when the time was right.

For years I went on, eager as any guy would be, to get it on whenever the opportunity would arise. If anything – if I actually did have a headache – the act itself would probably reduce it, if not eliminate it. The end result is generally relaxing…thus, it would probably do more good than bad, right?

Actually… RIGHT.

Yes boys, the act can actually help a headache, at least from my experience. So, then…what’s the deal? There are few possible explanations:

1. She’s simply not in the mood. That’s if she’s been acting relatively normal recently (more on that later). Women can usually turn themselves on or off at will. In other words, I’m either deciding to be horny now or I’m deciding not to be horny. It’s really as simple as that.

2. She’s mad at you. Yep. Not much more to that than that.

3. She’s worried about something other than you.

4. She actually has a headache. However, if this is the case, it is closer to a migraine than just a mere headache. That or she actually does not physically feel well.

Here’s the thing…

If this is the first time ever or in a while that she’s used the headache excuse, it’s not you. It’s something else. Either she’s really just not interested in having sex or she has her attention elsewhere (like work).

TIP: If she’s just not in the mood (and not unusually emotional), try testing a few of her “buttons” (what gets her horny). She’ll probably snap out of it and be ready to go. Doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try, right?

However, if she’s been using this excuse repeatedly, she’s probably mad at you or doubting the relationship. Sorry. You either said or did something that she doesn’t like. Now…this, unfortunately, can also mean that she’s hiding something from you. What she’s “hiding” usually is as simple as merely not communicating how she really feels about something you said/did.

Women, generally, are not as up-front as men are, so you will need to become a bit more skilled at spotting the “signs”. Really, it’s just a matter of being  observant. Just don’t expect for your lady (for the most part) to straight up tell you that she’s upset about what you said about your mother and that it reminds her something her mother once said when she was 15 about boys, and that this is really, really important to her and it makes her slightly uncertain about the relationship….but that you can completely handle it by just cuddling with her for 10 minutes….. (yes, sometimes it’s as simple as that…)

But, to keep things simple, try asking her if you did/said something to make her upset. Just be up-front about it. Let her communicate. Don’t fight her. Just acknowledge her. Provide more information about whatever you did/said if appropriate (in other words… if it wont piss her off more)… or just apologize.

Simple as that.

…or is it as complicated as that…? Hmm.