Archive for September, 2010

Question: “How big is too big? Or how small is too small? In other words…does size matter?”

I’ll be completely honest in that I would hope that, by now, this question had been answered for most men. However, I suspect that there is much more to this question than just a question of size. Because I don’t have a…you know… of my own, I’m certainly not going to attempt to explain  and/or understand the psychological reasons for the frequent occurrence of this seemingly important question. I let a guy answer that one.

So….does size matter?


Is there an “ideal” width and/or length? Not really.

Like  your junk, women parts vary widely in shape, depth, width, etc. Therefore, what “fits” will be different for each. More likely than not, this can cover a whole range of sizes – short, long, wide…curved upward, downward, left, right…etc. It’s really just a matter of puzzle pieces… yet much, much more.

Women, in general, are more attracted (even sexually) to personality, for lack of a better word. By “personality” I mean… you. Not your wiener. YOU. Your wang is – sorry to say – secondary to YOU. Let me give you an example – a girl’s idea of how attractive you are is almost directly affected by whether or not you’re an asshole …

Before I continue… let me make one thing clear: We’re all human beings – male or female – therefore none of what I say, unfortunately, will not fall across the boards. If it were that simple, we’d probably be bored. Some women may think the same as I do, while others may completely disagree. Some of it has to do with how we were raised. A lot of it has to do with how sane (or insane) we are.

So, like I was saying: A girl’s idea of how attractive you are is almost directly affected by whether or not you’re an asshole. It’s also affected by other things, most of which have to do with how you interact with her or others, and how you talk. If you treat her or your friends like shit, USUALLY (if she’s sane) you’ll instantly become the most unattractive man she’s ever met. It’s almost hard to look past your asshole-ness.

On the other hand, if you’re not an asshole and she likes your personality, you can almost be anything – fat, short, tall, hairy, lanky… and  still be the most attractive man in the world in her eyes.

Therefore, if she really likes you… the fact that you have a ________ member doesn’t really matter. She’ll make it work – trust me.

If she doesn’t, she isn’t worth it….unless you don’t give a shit about all that “personality” BS.

My point: Don’t worry about THAT so much. Please. It really isn’t worth the energy. We don’t care. If it doesn’t fit comfortably, but we REALLY, REALLY like you, we’ll make it work.


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Why the Duck Face?

Question: “Why do chicks make the ridiculous duck face when posing for pictures?”

Out of curiosity, I had to see if I myself was guilty of performing the Dreadful Duck Face. I was skeptical…because there is no way in hell that I would default my Picture Face to something like that.

…or would I? …

So of course, I did find one picture of myself doing something close to the duck face (of which I am entirely ashamed), but that’s only ONE picture of HUNDREDS (which makes me feel a little better about myself). I don’t even know why I did it . If I remember correctly, it almost was an automatic thing….like my lips formed into this…beak-like form on their own…mostly because I was tired and didn’t feel like smiling. Here it is (I’m sorry…no, really… I am):

Myself aside, why a ton of women do this in general… I really don’t know. For about a day or two, I thought about it thoroughly. I even fooled myself into this mindset that I “liked” making this …duck face…thing. I’d force myself to Duck Face … and see if I felt anything while doing it (all scientific research, of course).

My first conclusion was that girls did it to make their face look thin…or thinner, which it actually does accomplish (sort of). It also looks stupid…but obviously, girls aren’t doing it to look stupid….

…or are they?  (hmm…)  I don’t know – personally, I make faces like this one if I really want to look idiotic (that, or find an acting agent):

Usually seems to do the trick (on looking like an idiot, that is – didn’t get me any acting work unfortunately).

Moving on…

So, I decided to a bit of research in the field. I went to a few of my female friends to inquire about it… if they did it, why they did it…which hopefully, would lead me to some sort of logical explanation for its occurrence. Interestingly enough, the response I got from each of them was an immediate expression of pure disgust and the statement, “UGH. I hate it when girls do that!”. I’d then proceed to make the  Duck Face at them to ensure they knew exactly what I was talking about, to which I would then get the same response, but now slightly directed at me.


Anyways, my second conclusion was that girls did it to make their lips look bigger…or more pout-like, I guess. Now, it is true that putting on your Duck Face will create that effect, unless you have thin lips…in which case your lips look more like a beak than you might realize. Either way, thin lips or not, it still looks stupid. But whatever.

OK. Honestly, I have no idea why girls do this – I don’t even know why I do it..or did it…once.  I suspect that it has something to do with making your face look thinner…maybe making your cheekbones look bigger…or your lips sexier….even if you’re the only one that thinks so.

My overall conclusion: Our lips have a mind of their own, therefore we are not responsible for the shapes they take.

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Question: “Although I’ve never experienced this, why do you think women use headaches as an excuse to not have sex?”

Personally, I had considered the old “headache” excuse a myth for quite some time. Maybe I wasn’t having much sex at that particular point in my life… or maybe I never felt the need to turn it away due to a headache. Or maybe I just never had been so unfortunate to be bothered by one when the time was right.

For years I went on, eager as any guy would be, to get it on whenever the opportunity would arise. If anything – if I actually did have a headache – the act itself would probably reduce it, if not eliminate it. The end result is generally relaxing…thus, it would probably do more good than bad, right?

Actually… RIGHT.

Yes boys, the act can actually help a headache, at least from my experience. So, then…what’s the deal? There are few possible explanations:

1. She’s simply not in the mood. That’s if she’s been acting relatively normal recently (more on that later). Women can usually turn themselves on or off at will. In other words, I’m either deciding to be horny now or I’m deciding not to be horny. It’s really as simple as that.

2. She’s mad at you. Yep. Not much more to that than that.

3. She’s worried about something other than you.

4. She actually has a headache. However, if this is the case, it is closer to a migraine than just a mere headache. That or she actually does not physically feel well.

Here’s the thing…

If this is the first time ever or in a while that she’s used the headache excuse, it’s not you. It’s something else. Either she’s really just not interested in having sex or she has her attention elsewhere (like work).

TIP: If she’s just not in the mood (and not unusually emotional), try testing a few of her “buttons” (what gets her horny). She’ll probably snap out of it and be ready to go. Doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try, right?

However, if she’s been using this excuse repeatedly, she’s probably mad at you or doubting the relationship. Sorry. You either said or did something that she doesn’t like. Now…this, unfortunately, can also mean that she’s hiding something from you. What she’s “hiding” usually is as simple as merely not communicating how she really feels about something you said/did.

Women, generally, are not as up-front as men are, so you will need to become a bit more skilled at spotting the “signs”. Really, it’s just a matter of being  observant. Just don’t expect for your lady (for the most part) to straight up tell you that she’s upset about what you said about your mother and that it reminds her something her mother once said when she was 15 about boys, and that this is really, really important to her and it makes her slightly uncertain about the relationship….but that you can completely handle it by just cuddling with her for 10 minutes….. (yes, sometimes it’s as simple as that…)

But, to keep things simple, try asking her if you did/said something to make her upset. Just be up-front about it. Let her communicate. Don’t fight her. Just acknowledge her. Provide more information about whatever you did/said if appropriate (in other words… if it wont piss her off more)… or just apologize.

Simple as that.

…or is it as complicated as that…? Hmm.

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